Treading Water

After Saturday's below-freezing 15K, the temperatures in my neck of the woods have quickly become springlike.  Though I haven't been able to run outside this week due to scheduling, I find myself itching to run in the sunshine and warm(er) air.  

But this morning it dawned on me that I have had very few runs outside this winter.  Yes, I've been logging miles on the treadmill, though for whatever reason, I can't seem to run as fast on the treadmill as I can outside.  

That got me worrying about my fitness level.  Where am I fitness-wise?  Will I be able to pick up where I left off last fall without much trouble?  Should I be pushing myself more during these cold, winter months?

These questions got me thinking about the bigger picture.  What are my running goals?  (I don't know.)  Am I just running races for fun, just to run races?  (Probably.)  Is that okay with me?  (Yes, and no.)  

When I started running a little over 2 years ago, it was easier to set goals.  Finish Couch to 5K.  Run a 5K without walking.  Build mileage.  Run 4 miles, 5 miles, 10K, without walking.  Then, I trained for my first half marathon, which seemed like an impossible feat for my un-athletic, overweight body.  But I did it.  And now I've completed 6, and a bunch of other races...5K, 4 mile, 5 mile, 10K, 15K, 10 mile, half.  

But that overweight girl from gym class who was always picked last and was never good at anything sports-related is still inside my head.  She still thinks that while I'm finishing these races, I'm not finishing them in respectable times, nor could I ever.  

What if I try to get faster, or try to run a marathon, and I fail?  

Even this morning, when I walked outside to the warmer air and sun rising, part of me wishing that work started an hour later so that I could run outside, the other part, that girl from gym class said, "You probably can't even run 3 miles anymore without walking," even though I ran my normal outside 3 mile route less than a month ago with no problem.

Right now, hubby went for the first time to check out our local running club.  They are doing speedwork at the high school track tonight, and when I got home from work, he told me he wanted to go.  I could never show my face there, because I'm not fast.  I'm the girl who gets picked last in gym class, and my body, this body, has finished many races, but that's it.  I don't belong.

I feel as though I am on a running plateau.  I made improvements quickly in the first few years, but now, I'm just treading water.  It's a lot of fun - I really enjoy the races I do and my training.  I can't imagine not running.  

But do I want to keep treading water, or do I want to try out some new strokes?  Treading water is safe - I know I can do it.  New strokes are a big risk - will I drown?

At one time, a few short years ago, I tried a new stroke.  I signed up for my first half, completely terrified that I had signed myself up for something I could not accomplish.  I remember the amazing feeling of crossing that first finish line.  Where is that girl now, and why is she letting fat girl fear stand in her way?  Why did she have more faith in herself then than she does now?

Spring is in the air, and I'm feeling like I need to make a change.  It's time to think about climbing a little higher, away from this plateau.  Stop treading water and try out a butterfly or breaststroke.

In the famous words of Nike, maybe it's time to "just do it."