I don't look like a runner. I'm 4'10" and 145 pounds. I've got curves. Lots of them. I cringe at race photos that show off my ample thighs, hips, stomach...you unfortunately get the picture. I don't look like the women in Runner's World Magazine.
I'm not fast like a runner. Despite finishing 15 half marathons over the last two and a half years, I average a finish time around 3 hours. The fastest mile I have ever run (according to my Garmin) was 10:47. My 5K PR is 34:07, and that PR is over a year old.
Truthfully, I felt like a fraud. A fake. A wannabe. I still do.
This past January, I make the perhaps foolish mistake of suggesting to my husband that I run my first marathon in January 2016 at Disney. We had been talking about taking a trip to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in November, and had considered running a half together (Wine and Dine or RnR Vegas) that month as part of our trip.
But seeing all the social media posts about the runDisney experience during Marathon Weekend this year, and with the quote "If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you" lingering in the back of my mind, I suggested to him that we make it a truly special occassion and I run my first marathon at a place we both really love to visit. He was immediately on board.
I did have stipulations on my plan.
-I needed to lose 30 pounds by July 1 so that I could begin training without having extra weight holding me back.
-In order to prove that I was seriously on my way to that goal, I had to lose 15 of those pounds by April 1 (as at the time, I knew that registration opened in April).
-If I didn't accomplish my weight loss goal, all plans were off.
I think that all my husband heard was, "let's run the WDW Marathon for our 20th anniversary," and the rest of what I said sounded like the adults who speak on the Charlie Brown cartoons.
So here we are - it's April. I turned 42 years old this week. Depending on the day, I've only lost 4-5 pounds since January. Registration day is looming.
I still feel like an imposter, and don't know what to do.
The brave girl inside of me, the one who dared to even start running 3 1/2 years ago (despite never being an "athlete" and always being the last girl picked in gym class), says to go for it. I sign up on April 28. I follow my training plan. I see this goal through to the end. Regardless of what the scale says. Regardless of if I look like or run as fast as a "real runner."
The terrified girl inside me doesn't want to ruin something that is supposed to be a celebration in our life. What if the balloon ladies sweep me off the course? What if I DNF?
I want to listen to the brave girl. I want to throw caution to the wind and believe in myself enough to just go for it. But at the same time, the terrified girl reminds me that on my weight loss journey, I plateaued here in the mid-140's nearly 2 1/2 years ago, and despite continued attempts, I have not continued to lose weight. I know that I am not an innocent victim of the weight loss gods. I recognize that I could change my strategy and possibly change the tide. But I honestly recognize that my middle aged body with a beaten up metabolism (after years and years of crazy dieting) may never get to a place where I look like those women on the cover of Runner's World.
All this rambling (not that I expect that anyone will ever read this) brings me to the point of my post. Maybe there is a place for me in the blogosphere. Maybe there are other women who struggle like this and would love to connect with another middle-aged, overweight, non-athlete daring to take risks and belong in a world in which she clearly isn't a natural fit.
Maybe not.
But at the end of the day, I'm here. Still daring. Still trying to do what makes me happy, despite not belonging. Despite how I look, despite how slow I progress.
In the end, perhaps despite the finish lines I cross (albeit in the back of the pack), I should remember that this is truly a journey, and not a destination, and if I'm doing this right, I will never stop trying to be the best me I can be.
Oh Jen, I think you are awesome, and have SO much to offer! I'm overweight and a slow as heck runner too. After 10 half's, my average race time is still 2:30-45.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I just switched my full next weekend to a half, because I'm just not ready for another full. I feel like I've gone backwards and have gotten slower, when I should be getting faster and better! If I dwell on that too long, I can get really depressed about it.
So we can't do that. Who cares that we'll never look like a cover model. Who cares that we'll never be 'front of the pack'. Really, who cares what people think. Believe me, that's hard for me.
We have to do this for ourselves, and that's it. Not for anyone else.
I think you should listen to the brave girl and sign up. Ok, you haven't lost 15 lbs.yet. Ok, you want to lose 30 by race day. That's a great goal. And I totally believe you can do it. But no matter what, you CAN run a marathon. I wouldn't tell you that if I didn't believe it.
Another thing- when I switched my full to a half, it killed me. But I started thinking this is MY race and MY journey. If I didn't blog or have social media, if not one person knew which race I was going to run, which would I do? I immediately knew I would do a half. That's how I knew it was the right decision.
I wanted to do the full to impress people. Even though I knew I wasn't ready for it, I care too much about what people think about me! But I knew I had to let that go. I let go of the voice telling me I'm no longer inspiring, or I've let people down. I have to do this for myself, and that's it. You're exactly right, this is a journey. I may never run a 10 min mile, or a sub 2 half. I might always be back of the pack. But no matter what, I'll never stop trying either.
YOU inspire me, Jen. YOU show me that this can be done. I see perseverance and strength in you, that a lot of people don't have.
So keep going, lady! And whether you sign up for the full or not, you're still pretty dang awesome, and do a LOT more than most people out there.
(I'm so sorry this turned into a book)
Katie, thank you SO much for your book! I am always inspired by you! Thank you for your kind words, and the pep talk. It means the world to me!
DeleteYou should never feel like a fraud! If you run, you are a runner!! That is it - it doesn't matter how tall you are, what your pace is or how far you can go - running is running!!!
ReplyDeleteI think if you want to run the marathon then you should sign up and go for it!!!
Thank you, Kim, for the vote of confidence! I appreciate it so much!!
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